Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
