Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
