I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
