I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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