Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
i believe in u and ur pee
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
