Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
he high fived his dick after we had sex
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
