and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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