while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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