no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
