its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
