I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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