im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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