Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
