The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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