I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
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