Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
never play flip cup with pint glasses
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
