Ambien. No doubt about it.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
