I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
