Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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