I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
