New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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