so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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