she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
