dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
