I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
