seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
