When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
