I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
