Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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