I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I pour the whiskey from now on
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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