the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
