you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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