I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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