So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
