Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
