If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
