WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
