so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I want a musical about memes.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
