another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
