Just fell off a train. Bad.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
