East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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