i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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