Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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