I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
