literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
