I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
