so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
