fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Randomize
