I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
