Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
