Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
