EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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